Job 8:7 ESV Though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great.

The other day I was putting the second truckload of bulk compost on my community garden plot. The first truckload I had used the community garden's wheelbarrow and was a bit scornful of how tiny the wheelbarrow was and how many trips I had to make between the truck and the plot. The second truckload that I picked up, I decided that I was going to take my large wheelbarrow from home and get it done quicker. The threat of rain in the forecast solidified my determination to haul as much as I could as fast as possible. 

I get to the plot and immediately set to work shoveling the compost out of the truck into my large wheelbarrow. Even though I already knew that it was large, I was still a little surprised at how heavy the load is as I start pushing it to my plot. I thought, "well, it is early in the morning once my coffee hits my blood stream it will be okay." I am 50-something but I must have forgotten that because each load seemed to get heavier and heavier. Even as the loads were getting heavier the skies were getting darker and the drizzle of rain started. After about 6-8 wheelbarrow loads in, I sat down on my stool I brought in complete exhaustion. Feelings of being overwhelmed and slightly panicked as I had borrowed the truck and did not know how I was going to get it emptied in order to return it. Then I remembered the small wheelbarrow. Even though I was worn out, overwhelmed and feeling every minute of my age I was still slightly scornful of this little wheelbarrow (which is probably the right size for a 50+ lady). But I knew that this was my only alternative to get a little more done because even though I wouldn’t be able to haul very big loads and it would be slower, at least I would get a little more done before the rain came. As I wheeled my first load I was surprised how light and easy it was to wheel to my plot. Filling it and dumping it was quick too. It wasn’t long until the job was done and my whole garden plot was covered and ready to be planted up. 

It was at that moment that God spoke to me about how he just wants us to make forward progress. Sometimes that forward progress is with quick joyful steps while carrying a large load but sometimes it is with small painful steps while carrying just a handful. Sometimes we are strong and fierce and make huge progress quickly but other times we are tired, overwhelmed, ill or weary and our progress isn't as much as we would like. During those times of small progress we judge ourselves harshly because we aren't doing ALL the things. We aren't hosting Bible studies numerous times a week, writing like we used to, knocking doors as often or having those 3-4 hour prayer sessions. We feel that the single Bible study is insufficient, our journaling not enough, fellowshipping with our neighbor as inadequate and the morning prayers to be too little. But God wants you to know that you should not discount the small things that you are able to do on the days you are weary or full of obligations. Those small things that you do makes huge impacts. Just as my garden plot was revitalized by the compost hauled in the small wheelbarrow, so will your neighbor be ministered to and encouraged by your fellowship, the small prayer breathed on the behalf of someone hurting is still heard by God. When all you can do are the small things, do the small things because there is rich, revitalizing value in those small things.

Zechariah 4:10 NLT Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...

Loving Them Through It

 Several years back I went through a dark time of depression. A time of being barely able to function. I went to work, only because I needed to and then came home and either went to bed or plopped myself in front of the TV and stared at it aimlessly. I went through this for so many years that I think my friends and family were just "over it" and wanted me to suck it up and put on a happy face. It was 4-5 years of horrible isolation. My family's wordless exasperation at my inability to "get over it" only seem to feed my feelings of guilt at not being able to "get over it" to "suck it up" and caused me to have an almost paralysing fear at venturing out and seeking company. The judgment was too much to bear. When I did venture out, I still felt isolated because I had to fake being happy so that I didn't get the eye-rolling and the pity.  Mostly, I didn't venture out. I stay isolated within my four walls while living in fear of never getting better. Frightened that the next several decades of my life would be lived in mental/emotional isolation, if not in physical. 

Then something happened. I was getting an elephant ear at a food truck and a young man gave me a church card. After many months, God led me to visit this church. It was like no church I had visited before. These people of God loved me through it. There wasn't any judgment when I couldn't face people. There wasn't the comments of, "you shouldn't be missing church" (as if I didn't know that) or "where have you been" (as if I didn't feel guilty enough about not being able to get out of bed to show up). They just loved me. They let me cry when I needed to and to be involved to the extent that I was able. Slowly, (read VERY slowly) the fear lessened and the feeling of isolation started lifting. They had faith for me when I didn't. They believed and prayed for me when I felt to weak and fearful to believe and pray for myself. 

Now nothing has changed except everything. I am still alone a lot but not in isolation. I probably am alone more now than I was before but not because of fear, lonliness or feeling of overwhelming isolation. Now I am alone but active, busy and engaged. I have even got a plot at the community garden this year and look forward to visiting with and ministering to those in my community. Now when I am alone it isn't a matter of isolation but seclusion. Now I seclude myself for a bit of privacy, alone time with God and to rejuvinate so that I can become the one who loves others through it. 

And it all started with a visit. A young man visiting with me in line at an Elephant Ear stand and then a visit to a church. 

That is the way God works. After the crucifixion the disciples and followers of Christ had isolated themselves out of fear. They locked themselves into a room out of fear of being the next crucified. They didn't let anyone in without seeing who it was first. Then Jesus showed up and visited with them. He didn't even come through the door, he just showed up in the room. They even thought Him to be a ghost so he showed his hands/feet and even askef for and ate poached fish and honeycomb to prove to them that He was indeed Jesus. (Luke 24) After that visit with Jesus, the isolation that had the disciples bound changed. Now instead of fearful isolation, they were in the temple praising God. The only time they secluded themselves was while waiting on the visitation of the Holy Ghost.

If like me, you find yourself feeling isolated, fearful and alone. Push through a little and visit a church or at least a follower of Christ that will love you through it. If you only have the strength to whisper Jesus, then whisper it. If you try to pray and can only cry because your heart and mind is too overwhelmed and the words will not come, just cry. Don't give up! Don't allow fear to keep you from allowing God to visit you. Just keep seeking him, even if it isn't up to the standard that others think you should. Allow God to love and visit you.

If you are the church or the body of Christ and someone comes in with a whole shipful of baggage. Just love them through it. Are they missing church and ignoring your calls? Send them a hand-written note and love them through it. Are they making poor choices? Love them through it. Do not add to their baggage by judging them for missing. Do not cause them to give up because they aren't doing everything right. Do not criticize them or gossip about them because they can't seem to "suck it up" and "get over it." 

Just Love Them Through It!!

Again

Romans 7:15-25 (The Message)

“I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

 17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

 21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

 24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

 25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.

Two winters ago, the fan in my car was going out and driving without heat in Michigan is a terrible idea. Changing the fan on my vehicle isn’t a huge deal but does involve getting under the dashboard, which entails being on the ground. I don’t know about you but I don’t relish lying or kneeling on the cold and wet ground in the winter. Because it was winter and I didn’t have the money to buy the fan, I prayed and asked God to let my fan work until the weather got better. He did just that. It continued to work so I did not change the fan. The next winter came and the fan quit working again and I once again prayed for God to fix it until spring. He did it again. The fan continued to work, except for a small hiccup in the fall so I once again did not change the fan. Once again winter came around and guess what I had not done. The fan remained unchanged but this time I didn’t ask God to fix the fan. Let me say, since the time that the fan first started acting up, God has blessed me tremendously. He has given me a job that more than doubled my income with the benefit of working remotely. So I had the money, the time and spent time last winter and this in warmer climate but the fan to this very day remains unchanged. The fan works sometimes but not always. The part is very easy to change and is well under $100 but is still unchanged. This winter I could not seem to bring myself to go to God about this problem because I knew that it was my fault that it remained unfixed. He had given me the time and resources that I needed in order to fix it but I failed to do so. I even told those around me how God had caused the fan to work the last two winters but I couldn’t ask Him again because He had done His part and I failed to do mine. I know that may sound silly but every word of it is true.

Spiritually this is where I find myself today, as I have so many times before. I find myself doing things, saying things, focusing on things that are not good. I find myself tripped up by the sin of pride, bitterness, slothfulness and self. Each day I determine that I will live a life that is devoted to prayer and service and each day I get distracted and fall WAY short. I repent and am truly sorry that I am once again in the same place that I have been so many times before. With every repentance my determination to do better and live holy is renewed but I almost feel resigned to being at this stage again and again. I am weary of falling short of what I know God is calling me to be. I am bone-tired of repenting of the same things over and over again. Each time I repent over the same mistakes, I wonder if there is any point to repenting because I can’t seem to overcome. I question whether my repentance is true because I keep coming back for the same thing. I could try to comfort myself and say that even Apostle Paul struggled with doing things that he knew wasn’t good or right. But that is little comfort and still doesn’t fix my issue of not living an overcoming life.

But then I look at what Paul did to overcome those temptations, poor choices and bad decisions. He turned to Jesus. Jesus is the only way that I too can overcome. His Spirit truly living within me will provide me the strength to say no to things that do not lead to everlasting life and to yield to things that bring life and glory to Him. Each time I start the day yielding to Him and obeying when He nudges me, my sensitivity to His will and mind will grow. When I lay aside my fleshly desires and allow my desires to match His, I will be able to overcome. Overcoming doesn’t just have to be a song that we sing or an emotion that we feel while at church but it truly can be a way of life. We truly can live above a life of sin and bondage. Regardless of where we are coming from, we can live a life that is a holy example of God’s grace and mercy.

Overcoming will not be the end of repentance. Not at all. Repentance should and will always need to be daily but it won’t be for the same failings, the same short-comings or the same bad choices. After completely yielding to His way and allowing the Holy Ghost to reign supreme in our life, repentance will be deeper and more meaningful.

So I want to encourage myself and anyone reading this that is struggling with repeated sinful decisions, repent again. This time when you repent, allow God to stir up His Spirit within you. Repent again and then start each day seeking His face and end each night thanking Him for grace and mercy. Then repent again. Never ever tire of repenting and bringing your failures and short-comings to a just and merciful God.